Another class-practice has passed and each time feeling gets deeper, pain gets more and more tangible. This pain that has long I carried, but never realize having it. This pain that has caused my chest feels heavy every time I try to breath deep.
The greatest fear has finally appeared. This fear that has haunted me all this time. Loneliness, fear of being dumped and unaccepted, fear of being rejected, fear of not being loved, fear of being hated (by everything). Everything I have called through my own ability, power and intentions.
Fear of seeing what my thoughts come true in this fabricated physical reality. All thoughts, including the good and the bad. Including all of my insecurity, including all of my shame.
Feeling of missing someone, or something. Those who love me but I pushed them away. I have refused them. Guilt was strong.
I was angry. Angry for what I have done, everything. Angry for being that person I was at that one moment of my life. I tried not to get angry, but I failed. I was still angry to that person I become at that case, in that moment. I wish I was stronger. I tried.
Sadness was monstrous. Throwing rocks at my chest. Creating ghost in my head, to make me run from it’s reality.
Sadness of me not having the ability to be in love.
I want to learn that. Please teach me.
A Letter to the Universe | Via Wijaya